


The Shadow of Loss

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Smarm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-29
Updated: 2004-10-29
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:16:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS: Lockdown, Meridian, FallenSUMMARY: Weeks after the lockdown ends, Jack is still haunted by what he was forced to do to Daniel, and what might have happened because of it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 Missing Scene Fanfiction - The Shadow of Loss

##  The Shadow of Loss

##### Written by Rose Adair  
Comments? Write to us at forward@stargatefan.com

  * SPOILERS : Lockdown, Meridian, Fallen
  * SUMMARY : Weeks after the lockdown ends, Jack is still haunted by what he was forced to do to Daniel, and what might have happened because of it.
  * PG, for a little violence [A] [Hc] [S] [D] [M]



* * *

Jack gasped and shot upright in bed, every muscle tense and alert, his eyes searching desperately in the darkness.

_Daniel!_

No, it was just a dream, that was all. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.Jack shuddered and dropped his head into his hands, not even caring when he felt them shaking violently.

_God, Daniel..._

Jack pressed his hands hard against his face, trying to drive that terrible image from his mind. It wasn’t real, it was just a dream. But, no matter how many times he told himself that it was nothing more than a dream, no matter how many times he told himself that Daniel was fine, he couldn’t force himself to believe a word of it. All he could see was Daniel’s white face as he lay in the Isolation Room, dead. And Jack had killed him. Jack had killed him, in a single moment, and nothing he could do would ever bring Daniel back again. Nothing.

_Daniel, what have I done?_

Jack shook his head violently, his eyes tightly shut, pounding his head with the heels of his hands. It was just a dream, just a dream. But Daniel’s face still floated before him, an island of quiet in the vast room, while all around him people were running, shouting... and no one could do anything for Daniel.

_"I’m sorry, General. He’s gone."_

Okay, that was enough. Jack’s jaw hardened and he stood up from the bed. Maybe a beer would help. It wasn’t often he drank in the middle of the night, but this was a special case. Oh yeah, it was definitely time for a beer. It was for times just like this that beer had been invented in the first place. Maybe it would help. Jack rubbed his face with a rough hand and sighed.

The beer didn’t help. Nothing ever did. It had been over two weeks since Anubis escaped through the Gate and the lockdown ended, and the dreams still kept coming. Actually it was only one dream, one single, terrible dream, night after night. Every night it was the same thing, the same inevitable train of circumstances that ended with him staring in horror into Daniel’s dead face. Every night he had to go through it all over again, without being able to change a single thing.

Jack buried his head in his hands, his elbows resting on the kitchen table and two empty beer bottles lying in front of him. It had been over two weeks now, more than three since he had shot Daniel down in the Gateroom, and he still couldn’t get past it. He still couldn’t forget how close he had come to killing his best friend.

It didn’t matter why he had done it. It didn’t matter that he had had no choice, that he had shot Daniel to save his friend’s life. None of that mattered, none of that was any excuse for what he had so nearly done. The only thing that mattered was that he had almost killed his best friend, that he had almost lost Daniel again, by his own hand, and, this time – forever. Nothing could excuse him for that, nothing could absolve him from that guilt.

He closed his eyes and he was there again, watching Daniel from the Control Room. As the Stargate shut down, Daniel turned and their eyes met for a moment. And something... something seemed wrong, but Jack didn’t know what it could be. Suddenly he had a terrible feeling of approaching disaster, a disaster that no one could prevent. Why did it happen when he looked into Daniel’s eyes?

"Daniel." Jack had a sense of time passing irrevocably, of the precious seconds slipping away, of an impending loss he could not bear to think of. With every moment of delay, something was slipping away, farther and farther out of reach, slipping out of his life forever.

"Report back to the infirmary."

Without warning, Daniel turned and grabbed one of the members of SG-11, holding him against his body as a shield. Jack watched in speechless horror as the other airmen in the room drew their weapons and pointed them at Daniel. The moments were flying now, flying past never to return. And suddenly Jack knew what he was losing with every passing second: his best friend’s life.

"Open the Gate! Do it – now!" Daniel was shouting, his eyes angry and his jaw locked in determination. Jack didn’t know what was going on, and he didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that he had to save Daniel, and that time was running out.

He had to get down there with him, before one of those trigger-happy airmen decided to fire. He had to get down there before it was too late. As he left the Control Room, Jack took a gun from one of his men. He didn’t know why he did it. Maybe it was just a reflex... or maybe it was because he had a feeling that he was going to need it.

Jack was running down the stairs to the Gateroom, two steps at a time, but it was taking too long, far too long. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he ran, racing against time, trying to change fate and save Daniel’s life. He raised his head as two gunshots rang out in the sudden deadly quiet. Time seemed to stop, briefly, at the sound, before running on faster than ever, and Jack cursed under his breath.

_Hang on, Daniel, I’m coming._

The door opened and he saw Daniel, still holding the other man, a gun in his right hand. The two airmen were sprawled unconscious in the corners.

_Daniel, what the heck is going on?_

What could he do? The moments were slipping away, passing, losing themselves forever in darkness. He couldn’t think, he needed time to collect his thoughts, time to save Daniel before it was too late. He didn’t know what to do, but at least he was there. Jack crouched behind an angle of the wall and pointed his gun reflexively at Daniel, praying for time.

But time was exactly what he didn’t have. One of the doors opened and Teal’c strode through, his zat gun pointed full on Daniel. Jack winced as Daniel shook convulsively and fell, enveloped in blue waves of energy, dropping the man from SG-11 to the floor.

Jack allowed himself to breathe again, but for some reason beyond his understanding he remained on the alert, senses straining, muscles tense and ready. It should be over now, he told himself. One zat blast always worked... well, almost always. Daniel would be unconscious now. They could restrain him, find out what was wrong, make sure that this didn’t happen again. Jack wasn’t sure how much more his nerves could take. Why couldn’t Daniel ever stay out of trouble? When Jack had a nervous breakdown someday, they’d know why. They’d know who...

No, it couldn’t be. Jack’s eyes widened in fear and horror. Daniel wasn’t unconscious. The young man was raising himself on an elbow, peering around him. Jack’s throat tightened convulsively. There was a gun lying in front of Daniel, the gun he had dropped when he fell. Jack could feel time passing again, faster and faster, time that would never return.

_Daniel. Don’t do it. Please._

There was no time. Daniel saw the gun, he was reaching for it. Jack knew he was too far away to get to it in time, to stop Daniel before he brought about his own death. He could see Teal’c standing behind Daniel, zat gun held ready, and something in the Jaffa’s eyes told him that Teal’c would not hesitate to fire if Daniel became a threat. _One blast stuns, two blasts kill._ Suddenly Jack knew that he was afraid, terribly afraid.

_Daniel._

No time, no time. No time and nothing he could do. But he couldn’t let his best friend die like that. He had to do something, _anything._ Maybe if he got Daniel’s attention, he would snap out of it. It had worked before. Maybe he could stop him before he died... again, and for the last time.

Teal’c was about to fire, there was nothing else he could do. Only a breath of time stood between Daniel and a fate Jack couldn’t accept, only a fragile moment of time that could disappear on the wind. Jack’s mouth was suddenly dry, and he had to breathe deeply before he called out to his friend.

"Daniel!"

He hadn’t been able to keep the the desperation out of his voice, but Jack didn’t care. All he cared about now was saving Daniel, as he had sworn he would do so many times before. And how many times had he failed? Jack’s lips tightened into a thin line. It was better not to think about that right now.

No time, and Daniel’s life was slipping away. Suddenly, Daniel moved, grabbing the gun as he rose to his knees, pointing it straight at Jack.

And all at once Jack knew what he had to do, if he was ever going to save Daniel. The Gateroom and everyone in it crystallised into a strange, unnatural clarity, and yet time still ran on. There was only one thing to do, one very hard thing to do. He had no choice.

_I’m sorry, Daniel, I’m really sorry._

And Jack aimed at Daniel’s left arm and shot him, just as Teal’c was about to fire the killing blast with his zat gun. That was too close. Jack’s heart stopped beating as he saw Daniel freeze and fall backward, a look of pain and bewilderment on his face.

_Daniel, I didn’t want to do this._

Daniel seemed to struggle for consciousness for a moment, his eyes wide and his face tight with pain. Jack watched, breathlessly, hoping. This had to work, it just had to. He couldn’t do that to his friend again if Daniel remained conscious. But with a sick feeling in his stomach Jack knew that he could do it again, that he had to, rather than let Teal’c fire the zat gun a second time.

Daniel was struggling, fighting, groping blindly with his hands as he tried to raise his head from the floor. Then, with a rattling noise in his throat that filled Jack with horror and remorse, Daniel’s head fell back and his eyes closed.

It was over. Jack sighed and raced to his friend, looking down in shock at Daniel’s unconscious body. What had he done? Someone was calling for a medic, but all Jack could do was stare at the pale face of his best friend, knowing that he had been the one to do this.

_Daniel._

It was only one long nightmare after that, a nightmare of blurred faces and urgent voices. And in the middle of it all, the only thing that stood out with any clarity was Daniel’s face.

He had almost died. This time, it had been way too close. There had been so much blood on his arm, so much blood on the shirt they cut away from his wound. There had been so much of Daniel’s blood, welling up from his arm and dripping, dripping onto the white cloth below, leaving his face as white as the bed he lay on, and Jack felt his heart grow cold and sick at the sight.

_Daniel._

Jack had been there when Daniel’s heart stopped, when that flat line appeared on the monitor and Daniel stopped breathing. And all he could think, as he looked at the pale, still face on the pillow was that this couldn’t be real, this couldn’t be real.

_This can’t be happening._

He had run down into the Isolation Room to be at his friend’s side, ignoring them when they told him to leave. He had stood there and yelled at Daniel to hang on until they pushed him out of the way.

They tried the paddles, but nothing happened. Jack clenched his teeth together hard, and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. Once again Daniel’s body jerked upward, and that steady, monotonous tone continued. Jack thought the sound was going to drive him crazy and clutched his temples. They were preparing to try once more, and Jack knew it would be the last time. If this didn’t bring Daniel back, nothing would.

_Come on, Daniel._

Jack wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn’t. He had the idea that if he took his eyes off Daniel, even for a moment, that would be the end. So he stood there, looking into his best friend’s face and willing him to come back, willing him to live.

_You can do this, Daniel._

One last time the paddles were placed on his chest and Daniel’s body jerked bonelessly, like a rag doll. For a fraction of a second, time seemed to stand still, and Jack waited. Then a heartbeat appeared on the monitor, and an intermittent, regular beeping filled the room.

_Yes!_

Daniel was alive, he was going to be all right.

Jack raised his head and opened his eyes. Daniel was fine, he really was. Jack knew that, and yet he couldn’t forgive himself, couldn’t forget the fear of having almost killed Daniel, the young man he had promised to protect so many times.

And the dreams... The dreams weren’t helping. How was he ever going to get over this?

Jack sighed and let his head drop onto his arms. What was he going to do? He couldn’t take much more of this. And as he rested his head despairingly on his folded arms, the weariness and the beer finally took their toll. Jack’s taut muscles relaxed, and he fell asleep without even realising that he was tired.

The dream came again. The whole terrible scene sprang to life once more before his eyes, just as it had happened over three weeks ago.

_It was all the same, always the same, until Daniel’s heart stopped. They tried the paddles, once, twice. The steady, high-pitched noise was filling Jack’s head, driving him to the very edge of control. A third time... and nothing happened. Daniel just lay there, while the nurses rushed around him, the air full of commands that wouldn’t do him any good. Jack wanted to run to the young man and shake him, order him to come back._

Doctor Brightman turned to look at Jack, but something in his face made her turn again without a word.

"Try the paddles again."

They tried them, and still nothing happened. Daniel was dead. Doctor Brightman turned again, a look of sorrow on her face.

"I’m sorry, General. He’s gone."

He watched in shock as they turned off the monitor, with a tone of finality that went like a sword through Jack’s heart. And the silence was even worse than that high-pitched sound had been. It was the silence of the dead, and Daniel shouldn’t be dead. He couldn’t be.

The whole world narrowed to a single point, to Daniel lying there dead. Daniel was dead. Daniel was dead. The thought rang through his mind, over and over, like the tolling of a great bell: Daniel was dead.

Everything else was a blur, a blur that swirled and turned to darkness, until all that remained was Daniel’s dead face. Jack stood there and looked at him. This time it was true, this time it was really over. Daniel was dead. Jack had killed him, and nothing could ever bring him back again.

Daniel, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry...

Jack raised his head from the table, his grey hair pointing in all directions and his eyes bleary. There was someone knocking at the door. What time was it anyway? Jack squinted at the sky, and realised suddenly that it was daylight, though it had to be early morning. The knocking came again, dragging Jack back to reality. He stood up, eyed the empty beer bottles belligerently and opened the door.

Daniel.

No, it couldn’t be. This couldn’t be real, it had to be another dream. What would Daniel be doing here, at Jack’s house, at this hour of the morning?

It certainly looked like Daniel; Daniel with a very wide-awake air and no sling on his arm.

"Daniel?"

"I hope I’m not coming too early or anything. I just thought – "

"Daniel?"

"I hope I didn’t wake you up, Jack, but -- "

"Daniel?"

"Uh... Jack, are you sure you’re all right? The new job isn’t gettting to you or anything?"

Jack finally recovered himself enough to understood that this really was Daniel. He was still extraordinarily tempted to see if he was solid, but decided against it.

"No, I’m fine. Come in."

Daniel shot a keen glance at Jack when he saw the empty beer bottles.

"Did you have a party last night, Jack?"

"Not exactly. Want one? A beer, I mean."

"Uh... no thanks."

There was a pause, during which Jack tried to get his mind off of the dream and back to real life, and Daniel tried to think of something to say. Jack didn’t look well at all, and Daniel was worried. Jack seemed to shake himself and broke the silence.

"So, how’s the arm?"

"Just fine. I took the sling off last night." Daniel flexed his left arm and winced involuntarily, hoping Jack wouldn’t notice.

Jack eyed him narrowly. "What did Doc Brightman say about that?"

Daniel turned his eyes upward, thinking. "Uh, well, uh, actually... nothing."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Nothing?"

"Well, see, I didn’t exactly _tell_ her."

"Really? I never would have guessed."

"Jack, I’m fine."

"Sure, Daniel. That’s what you always say."

Daniel felt that this conversation was getting too personal, and decided it was time to change the subject.

"So, I just came by to invite you to Teal’c’s party on Saturday."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Teal’c’s party?"

"Yeah, you remember... oh, right, you weren’t there." Daniel took a deep breath and began speaking very quickly. "Teal’c got his apartment, well... a while ago. But with the whole lockdown thing he hasn’t really... Anyway, he put it off until things got back to normal, and you’re invited."

Jack clutched his head. "Isn’t it a little early to be doing that, Daniel?"

"Sorry. I thought that since I was on my way home I’d just – " Daniel paused and a sudden thought seemed to strike him. "Is it early? What time is it?"

Jack buried his face in his hands. "For crying out loud, Daniel, don’t you ever sleep? Go home and get some rest. That’s an order."

Daniel’s mouth dropped open. "What?"

"And if you don’t put that sling back on, I’ll get the Doc to keep you in the infirmary for three weeks."

Daniel studied Jack’s bowed grey head, his forehead wrinkling in confusion. Suddenly his face softened and his eyes grew wide with understanding.

"Jack, you did the right thing."

Jack looked up suddenly, his eyes dark and fierce. "What?"

"In the Gateroom, when I was... you know... you did the right thing."

"I shot you and you almost died! How is that the right thing?" Jack burst out angrily, all his frustration, all his guilt finding an outlet at last.

Daniel’s eyes were very kind and very blue. "What else could you have done?"

"I don’t know," Jack said helplessly, and dropped his face into his hands. "Something," he added defiantly.

"Jack, you did the only thing you could do. You know that."

"And if you had died, would it still have been the right thing to do?"

Daniel shrugged. "It would still have been the right thing to do, and it wouldn’t have been your fault."

"The heck it wouldn’t," Jack muttered.

"Jack, is that what’s bothering you? Is that why those bottles are there? Because I could have died?" Daniel paused and Jack said nothing, but his silence was all the answer Daniel needed. "Jack, I didn’t die. I’m right here, I’m fine. See? Jack, it’s over."

Jack raised his head sharply, fierce anger in his eyes, but Daniel knew that Jack’s anger was only directed at himself and not at his friend.

"If you had died," he shouted, "it would have been my fault this time, and you never would have come back!"

"But, Jack, you did what you had to do, and I’m alive." Daniel ran his tongue over his lips, fixing his blue eyes on his friend. "Look, Jack, I know why you did it. I was a danger to the base, and someone else might have shot me first. Another shot with a zat gun, and I would have been dead. You did the only thing you could."

Jack closed his eyes and sighed. Daniel was right, he knew that Daniel was right. The young man continued to look at Jack, a dawning comprehension in his eyes.

"You have nightmares, don’t you? That’s why you drank last night." Daniel spoke slowly, as if he were thinking aloud.

Jack looked at him belligerently. "Daniel!" Then he saw the compassion and understanding in Daniel’s eyes and finished almost in a whisper. "For crying out loud."

Daniel’s blue gaze was very steady. "Jack, I know what it’s like. After I... came back, I used to have nightmares all the time. They go away, Jack, they really do. Besides, there is no reason for you to feel guilty."

Jack sighed and leaned back in his chair, dropping his hands to his lap. "Yeah."

"I know it’s hard, but we can work through this together. I’ll help in any way I can."

Jack opened his eyes and looked at the young man. For the first time, he really began to understand that Daniel was fine, that everything was going to be all right. Daniel was sitting right there in front of him, his face grave and his soft blue eyes full of concern. Daniel was fine. It was all over.

Suddenly Jack smiled, laying a hand on Daniel’s good shoulder. "Hey, what I said still goes: get some sleep and put the sling back on."

Daniel’s lips curved into a smile, and the joy in his eyes lit up his whole face. "Yes, General. Whatever you say, General."

"But what d’ya say we go find some breakfast first? Then you can go home and rest."

"Sounds good, Jack."

The two friends walked out of the house together, Jack being very careful not to touch Daniel’s wounded left arm. He glanced sidelong at Daniel, and, as they walked out the door together, Jack laid a hand on Daniel’s good shoulder.

"Sure you’re okay, Daniel?"

Daniel’s voice was very soft, his eyes very serious as he answered. "I’m sure, Jack."

Jack smiled a little, heartfelt joy driving the guilt from his dark eyes.

"I’m glad, Daniel. I’m really glad."

"Thanks to you, Jack."

Jack looked up to meet the unwavering gaze of Daniel’s blue eyes. "Me?"

Daniel nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Jack’s. "You saved my life, Jack. You know that, right?"

Jack just shook his head dazedly.

Daniel sighed and lowered his head for a moment, raising it quickly to look at Jack again. "Teal’c told me he would have fired the zat if you hadn’t shot first."

"What?"

"He came and confessed to me when I was still in the infirmary. He seemed to think he needed to be forgiven." Daniel shrugged. "I told him I understood, that he didn’t need my forgiveness because it wouldn’t have been wrong. But I forgave him because he wanted me to."

"He told you that?"

Daniel’s lips tightened for a moment. "Yeah."

"Wow."

"So, you see, Jack, if you hadn’t done what you did, for me, I wouldn’t be here right now. Thank you."

"Uh... you’re welcome." Jack sighed and scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "And thanks, Daniel."

Daniel’s eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. "For what?"

Jack smiled suddenly, his entire face brightening. "For just being... Daniel. It’s great to have you back."

Daniel smiled, his eyes grateful and kind. "It’s great to be back."

Jack tightened his grasp on Daniel’s shoulder for a moment, understanding suddenly that Daniel was solid and real, that he was really all right. His hand lingered there briefly before dropping to his side, and Daniel’s face turned to his, the blue eyes clear and smiling. And something in Jack’s heart relaxed at the sight, at the realisation that it was all over now. In the depths of those eyes, all the worries, all the guilt, all the terrible nightmares seemed to melt away, leaving only a very real, very much alive Daniel walking at his side. He could feel the burden slipping from his soul at last, and the world was suddenly brighter, lit by a pair of blue eyes, the eyes of his best friend. The dreams, the terrible nights, the shadow of loss that he had been fighting for so long were suddenly gone without a trace. The shadow that had loomed over him was gone, melted away in the sunlight, as shadows always did in the end. It had been a long night, but the day had finally come, and Jack knew it was here to stay – and that Daniel was, too.

**The End**

  


* * *

  


> Author’s Note: After watching Lockdown, I was profoundly disturbed by what almost happened to Daniel. I kept thinking that it had been far too close. Feeling that Jack must be thinking the same thing, I decided to write a missing scene, and this is what came out.

* * *

> © July 28, 2004. The characters mentioned in this story are the   
>  property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the   
> Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1   
> together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of   
> MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret   
> Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not   
> intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for   
> entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the   
> sole property of the author. 

* * *

  



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